My father was the first to go. Then during the next four years I was caregiver for my sister full time, around the clock. She was my best friend. Four years after my father died, my mother died. Four months later my sister died. Two years later another younger sister died. Then a month later my 2 living sisters abandoned me. When I was at my fathers funeral, I bursted out crying when the fire dept, came to honor him. Cause of my crying I was put down. While at my mom's bedside, I told not to cry. I stayed frozen in shock by how I was treated, I never shed a tear during her death, or her funeral. If I did show some grieving I was knocked down. This hurts me badly.
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I'm so sorry. You are carrying a lot, and grief is so complicated. When my dad died earlier this year, support groups were very cathartic. I hope this can help in some small way. https://www.lovealwaysproject.org/post/how-to-find-grief-bereavement-support-groups